


These Boots are Made for Kicking

by orphan_account



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Accidents, Domestic Fluff, M/M, TikTok, idiot husbands, injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:20:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26510545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: David's pursuit of internet fame leaves Patrick injured.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 9
Kudos: 75
Collections: Do I Want To Know How That Happened?





	These Boots are Made for Kicking

**Author's Note:**

> \- This was inspired by a real TikTok I saw and discussed with justwaiting23, and though I'm not sure how to link it here I'm sure you can all imagine David in a lacy red bodysuit just fine on your own. 😉

David knew the nurse would get a fright as soon as he saw the sorry state his husband was in even before they’d made it to the hospital. Many a time David had dragged Patrick to the emergency department since they’d been married; a cracked rib from a rogue baseball David reluctantly threw when he offered to help practice in the garden, a broken toe from when he dropped a heavy vase while they were moving in, the time he split his thumb on the avocado slicer. But they’d never been in for anything quite like this.

They were sat in the waiting room with Patrick wincing and over-exaggerating every five seconds when the nurse came round the corner with a clipboard in his hand.

“So, Mr. Brewer, what is it this time – oh my God!”

Yep, he’d gotten a fright, just like the kid in the waiting room who’d cried when Patrick came in. David couldn’t blame him. His husband was a mess. His entire nose and the majority of his chin was absolutely covered in blood that he was doing a bad job of mopping up with a sodden, bright red rag, his bare feet were covered in clingfilm to cover the widespread scalding, and his hand was covered in tiny shards and lacerations. On top of it all, he had a mighty bump on his head that David could have sworn was getting bigger.

After looking over the various injuries that were decorating Patrick, the nurse shot David a suspicious look and narrowed his eyes.

“…Do I want to know how that happened?”

***

_One hour ago…_

***

“Ugh, I can’t believe this!”

Patrick looked up from over the sink, where he was filling up the kettle. “What?”

“Another one of Alexis’ TikToks went viral. How does she keep doing this?”

“I mean, she posts three videos a day, has possibly the best hair in the world, and was already somewhat famous to start with.”

Even though David knew Patrick had clearly laid the bait out for David to start fishing for compliments about his own hair, he ignored him and made a quick run to the bedroom to get some supplies before coming back down. Patrick clicked the kettle on and then shouted through to the dining room, where David was very loudly arranging one of the chairs and balancing his phone up on a load of books.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to recreate the most recent one of hers. See if I can go viral too.”

“Okay, I’m not sure that –” Patrick came into the dining room and stopped when he saw the array of clothes that David had chosen. There was the red lacy bodycon suit he’d bought for the premiere of Moira’s new movie last year, a square-neck top with high-waisted shorts, and a short jumpsuit with thigh high black leather boots. Now that he had more space and time and money, David had gotten really creative with his clothing and Patrick was far from complaining.

“Okay, I’m looking forward to seeing this,” he said, backing into the kitchen to finish making his tea without turning away from David.

The concept of the video was simple. David would start the dance in one of the outfits, then make a cut in the video to change what he was wearing but still look like he hadn’t stopped doing the dance. If he managed to get it looking like Alexis’ had, then it would be seamless, sexy and fun.

He went through the first motions in the red suit easily, twisting and bopping to the upbeat music. Then there came the second part, where he sat down and pulled the boots out from behind them before “dropping” them on his feet. Then the video cut, and he quickly changed his outfit before getting back into the same position as before. At the exact time the music started, which meant David had to kick his legs out at 180 angles, Patrick walked back into the room, two mugs of tea in hand.

The next few seconds went in slow motion and double time simultaneously. David kicked his booted foot out with such force that it smashed one of the mugs in Patrick’s hand, cutting his hand and sending tea splashing over his foot, then continued in its trajectory to sock Patrick in the nose and send him flying backwards, where he hit his head on the doorframe. It was all a bit of a blur, but when David’s brain registered what had happened he rushed Patrick to A & E, fully aware that he had just caused literal grievous bodily harm to his rather little husband who deserved none of it. But then he whinged so much on the way to the hospital that David almost stopped feeling guilty.

“David…I think you’ve given me second-degree burns…”

David rolled his eyes. “Okay, let’s call them first-and-a-half.”

“I think the nurse is gonna start making calls to the house – _ow_ , David! Go slower over the bumps!”

“I’m sorry, did you want to _stroll_ to the hospital, Patrick?!”

***

“…Right. Come this way, Patrick, we’ll try not to keep you too long.”

As David followed after Patrick and the nurse, he caught sight of his clipboard and saw that, despite David providing him with a second-by-second recap of the story, all he’d written down in the explanation was _David and Patrick_.

Suddenly, David was distracted by a pinging on his phone.

“Oh my God, Patrick! The video! It’s got thousands of likes!”

David watched incredulously as the views and comments racked up on the video of David absolutely obliterating an unaware Patrick, who was wandering into the room in his T-shirt and sweatpants, then David clapping his hands over his mouth before rushing to envelop Patrick in a hug.

“What – you _posted_ it?!”

“Of course I did. Suck it, Alexis!”

The nurse sighed inaudibly and clicked his pen, scribbling a final word next to the explanation.

_David and Patrick…again._


End file.
